It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
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My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“