In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
You Might Also Like
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”