He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
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It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
My dress code is business-casualty.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
bugs when you lift up a rock
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
me opening up to someone
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison