Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
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DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
This is what makes twitter great
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.