How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
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Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*