How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
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Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
? 💀
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
