coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
You Might Also Like
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads