Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
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Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge