If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
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Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them