If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
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The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997