I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
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“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.