My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
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ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
tell em, edith-anne
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
(Gaming support cat.)
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.