I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick