Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
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Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
the battle rages on
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Digital security in Ancient Troy