I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
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Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
S O O N
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
😂🤣😂🤣
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells