I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
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Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
Okay
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
🌱🌱🌱
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.