Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
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Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
not seeing the problem
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it