Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
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I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
i meant to share this earlier
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!