me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
You Might Also Like
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Them: You should try keto
Me:
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company