yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
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My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Got ya covered
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Happy weekend !
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.