Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
You Might Also Like
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
My neck my back my allergy attack
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”