Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
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I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Sniffing the broccoli
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
BaD BoY!!
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”