sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
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me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
I’m not average. I’m mean.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
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