recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
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Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Imma just leave this here…………
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.