You when you started twitter vs. you now.
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[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks