A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
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ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Jogging
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist