I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
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normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN