I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
🤣could you imagine
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
#MeanwhileInCanada
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.