Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
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Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Nice try, poison.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*