Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
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Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
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mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.