Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
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8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.