Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
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So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Cow it started Cow it’s going
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.