I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
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Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Boom, boom, ching!
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
do what now??
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Ha.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.