Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
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If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!