I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
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My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.