I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
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“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
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Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
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In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.