Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.

Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

True embarrassment lies within your first email address

Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!

Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.

KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.

Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.

What the hell is going on in that bathroom?

Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?

“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know

So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂

Lol