Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime

I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.

*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*

Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”

– my husband right now, probably

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?

Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

is this store having a stroke wtf

*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!

Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!

Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

Me: please just one more wish

Genie: no, I said 3

Me: please

Genie: no

Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please