A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
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Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”