my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
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I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*