my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
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“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.