Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
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How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me