‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
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The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment