I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
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When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.