Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
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” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Good morning
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.