*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
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*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
somewhere, in an alternate universe
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.