GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
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I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function