The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
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Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
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If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good