He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
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I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist