My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
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DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.