Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
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Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them