“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
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My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
a public service announcement
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]