Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
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Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper