They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
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We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills