Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
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Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me