[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
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Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Its true…
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
next question.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!