[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
You Might Also Like
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)